I guess, since I haven’t really sent this link out to anyone yet, that I can write this here. The past week has already been filled with a rollercoaster of emotions, and we’ve only been a waiting family for a few weeks now. The thing is, a unique situation popped up at our adoption agency, and due to several factors, they wanted to check with us before actually throwing our profile into the ring.
We got an email with all the details last Wednesday night. Immediate freakout on my part ensued. We had until noon the next day to decide if we were alright being shown to these particular expectant parents, but it only took a couple of hours of discussion before we both realized there was no way we were going to say “no.”
So I asked the staff at our agency to throw our hat into the ring, and I know we’re one of 4-5 profiles being shown. We have no idea when the E parents will make a decision. I’ve been on high alert this whole time – obsessively checking my phone and email to ensure I don’t miss anything. I feel like this is some crazy mindgame that I am failing miserably at – Thad is fine and taking this all in stride. I am turning into an obsessive nightmare, I’m afraid. Wondering if we should have put different pictures in our profile, or if I should have said something differently that might connect more with these two amazing people who could be reading it and making a huge decision RIGHTNOW about if they should make an adoption plan and which parents they want.
I know this is hard for me – in many ways, I’m already becoming very attached to this situation. We know the parents’ names, ages, medical history, hobbies, and so many other things from the details the agency sent us. It’s hard not to imagine them picking us in some ways because I can so easily see them as our E (expectant) parents. But if I could bottle my crazy feelings up and magnify them by 1,000, they would pale in comparison to what these amazing people are thinking and feeling and going through right now. Keep it real, Jill. Keep it in perspective.
I’m trying really hard to prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment and feelings of rejection if we’re not picked. I know this is the most likely scenario. But it’s hard, really hard, not to be excited and hopeful, and begin to actually imagine a future where Thad and I can be parents. I should really strap myself in now, I guess – I have a feeling it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
PS – so much is going on right now in the US about race relations, and I want to write about all of it, but I feel like it would turn into a book so quickly. Hopefully I will get to write something about all that soon.